Hallucinations

Trouble is, every time I close my eyes my mind goes into a spiral of bizarrity.

Yesterday afternoon I retired to bed to escape smalls wanting cuddles yet when I fell asleep I spent the first half of my sleep picking pieces of Lego out of the grass in front of my desk whilst trying to update my ex boss on his day's appointments, none of which bore any relevance to his line of work, while the wind blew the pages of the diary over, again and again. I then followed this with using a 1950s style upright hoover to suck up polystyrene balls from the lino in a friend's house because her husband had taken down some shelves.  There was some strange bit parts played by a full length straight skirt that I had taken the bustle off for someone and a 3 foot high model of a tea clipper or schooner in full sail.

Almost intrigued as to what my brain will invent next....

PTSD

Post Theatre Sleep Disorder.  Seems to strike at will leaving the sufferer woozy and unable to function properly.  Not sure all the drugs and anaesthetic have left my system either after yesterday's hallucinations whilst supposedly resting!
I am currently fighting the eyelids once again as have arguably slightly overdone it this morning.  I ended up sitting in the car to do the school run which I had not bargained on as first one child then the other descended into hysteria then walked all round Tesco getting a full shop done whilst I still had a driver and strong help to carry it.
Nope.  The eyelids are winning.  Will try to continue later.

Home

Almost like I never left but certainly weird being back here minus my friend.
Arrived early at the pre op check in hub - checked in and then sat.  Having been told the day before that I was 2nd on the list I was updated to 3rd which meant a waity until 12pm at the earliest.  FIVE hours of sitting still and getting nervous.  Suddenly at 10.30 the nurse said "they've just rung for you!"  Worst nerves ever. No time to panic.  Walked to the door of the operating suite, said good bye to Ian, ran through the final questions with the theatre nurse then straight in to the anaesthetic room, slightly embarrassed at having to re-arrange my gown in front of the anaesthetists - ok, I can still be shy about people seeing my boobs even if someone is about to handle them and chop one off!   Lay on the bed, wobbly eyes for about five sconds then rudely shaken awake instantly.  I thought I was going to sleep?  Why are they waking me up?  OOOOOWWWWW.  mmmmmmm Morphine is my new friend little sleep feel like I am moving sleep my bed is moving sleep oooo sleep window seat sleep hello Ian sleep ooh Ian's here Ian's asleep good idea sleep...
Ian turned up to see me while I was still having my narcotic session and took the opportunity to catch up on some much needed sleep in the chair next to my bed, much to the patient opposite's amusement.
A very strange sensation of having my legs squeezed turned out not to be a dream but was the inflating leggings designed to minimise the risk of DVT whilst incarcerated in my bed.  I was able to rid myself of these once I had been up and about a couple of times as they made the room unbearably warm.
I started to get ridiculously excited at the prospect of the little brown trolley coming into our bay bringing with it its promise of a paper pot the same as you fill with sauce if you sit in to eat your burger but this time full of a rainbow of tablets. 
I have made a life long friend whilst in hospital and no, I am no longer referring to tablets.  The lady in the bed opposite me had a very similar operation to me only without the additional node clearance.  She and I decided that we were in this together and that between us we still had a presentable pair!  Whilst chatting we also discovered that we have a mutual friend so have even more in common - better than that she only lives approximately 3 miles from me so is easily visitable (even easier when I can drive again!). 
I am sur eI have missed much out of this blog concerning my stay in the NHS High Wycombe Hilton - the breakfast in bed, clean sheets and towels every day, the foot spa and massage, the drinks trolley (sadly alcohol free but under the circumstances probably just as well) and the lovely lovely lovely kind patient staff (bar one power trip hungry cow who demanded to know if I had been out of my bed that day, could she tidy my trolley and generally made and maintained an unpleasant.atmosphere).
For now I am enjoying being back in the bosom of my family although I am not sure if that is necessarily the best turn of phrase!!!

Overwhelmed - but in a good way

Overwhelmed by people's kindness and thoughtfulness. I have recieved phone calls from relatives who are abroad, friends have inundated me with the most thoughtful gifts (some from a seasoned patient's viewpoint which are brilliant, thanks N and some that just raised my spirits, thanks K - the running in heels and a skirt to give me a hug made my day). I am still ready to take it on tomorrow, or rather off, and to be honest it will be a relief to not have it there, aching and reminding me it is diseased and basically not playing fair.  I think the only thing that will miss it is my left arm.  Where will it rest when I curl up to sleep?  What will it rub against when I am walking? 
Am having a little worry about the boychick as he is poorly (nasty cough and cold) so will most likely miss out on the distraction of school tomorrow - although I am sure Granny and Grandpa will manage to keep him entertained and distracted - and he them!
THank you everyone for kind words and offers of help.  I will be taking you all up on your offers as I have realised today the extent of what I won't be able to do...  oops! Better late than never I suppose.
Toodle pip for now, see you when I've had my nap tomorrow xx

Only two more sleeps till...

So, penultimate day of being a complete woman.  I will obviously still be completely womanly, just with a detachable bit!!  If anyone reading that is offended then they may wish to leave, the humour is still a darker shade of black and shows no sign of lightening any time soon.  I have had to tone it down a bit for Ian though as it was getting in the way of any serious or even sensible conversations.
I have been overwhelmed by people's kindnesses.  I have today recieved a most unexpected gift from an aquaintance in Cornwall.  It is these things that produce tears not my situation.  Why cry about something that I will look back on in years to come? 2012?  That was the year that London had the Olympics, it was the Queen's Jubilee and I kicked the butt of Breast Cancer.

4 days to go..

Fast forward.  I am going in to hospital in 4 day's time to have my malevolent boob removed.  I had the most amazing chat yesterday with a friend who started her journey last June - same op so at least I feel a little more informed now.  There are just some questions I didn't feel comfortable asking the Breast Care Nurse (although she is the most approachable person and faultless in her kindness).  Just sometimes it is easier to ask a friend.

I have realised that I have no affection for my MB (malevolent boob).  In fact, I just want it gone.  I think I will feel a bit more relaxed once it has gone from my body.  Then I can start my treatment for having had breast cancer.

Two of my main inspirations are sitting next to me at the table as I type.  They are watching tv and creating the most amazing mess with glue and glitter!!!

The dogs are being very intuitive.  Our older labrador follows me absolutely everywhere and quite often has to be persuaded to not follow me into the loo and bedroom.  She terrified Ian the other day when she very suddenly started scratching at the kitchen door and whining.  He had to phone me to check I was ok.  She has always been very aware - she knew I was pregnant before I had an inkling.  However I am also concerned what this says about Ian's state of mind that he actually listened to her and took it to mean something! 

Right.  Back to the fray...

The beginning

I have been diagnosed with breast cancer.  I thought the world would end if I ever heard those words.  The world would come crashing down around my shoulders and I would curl up in a sobbing ball in the corner of the room and not be able to do anything.
I am still here.  The world has not stopped turning and I am still the same person as I was before I sat in an office and was told that 2012 was not going to go quite how I had planned!