Re-balanced

I am hoping that the negative chemical haze of yesterday has lifted - it certainly feels like it at the moment. 

I am feeling much more positive and physically better than yesterday and although the aches have not quite receded completely they now appear to be more manageable.  Thank you for bearing with me - I wish I had a more level playing field at the moment.

On the other hand, my brother who is currently staying with his family - and yes this is a good idea as it keeps my monkeys occupied and Laura is on hand to help with all things domestic - has had a hypo.  Poor chap.  I had just put some pizzas on the table for lunch when he started walking round in circles in the kitchen.  Everyone else just carried on as normal so I just ignored him as I thought "well, if they're not worried, and they live with this, then I needn't worry." 

Five minutes later I realised he was still walking round in circles but at least now Laura had left the table and was handing him some orange juice and could be heard issuing quiet but very firm instructions to "drink this". 

After several biscuits and some more drink he has recovered from his low but I have to admit that all I could do, once he had started to recover, was giggle at the sight of him wandering aimlessly in circles, fetching a glass out, putting it down, walking a few steps, stopping to stare into space then going to the cupboard to fetch a glass out, walking around in a circle, then staring into space again.

Me?  Unsympathetic? 

Now, I do not question how long Laura left him to wander but I did ask her about it as to begin with I thought I must be misreading the signs because no-one else seemed to think his behaviour was odd.  She pointed out that she can now pick the perfect moment to intervene and times it so that he is at his most pliable - if she tries to help too early he gets grumpy and denies there is anything wrong and if she were to leave it too late he could pass out.  It is a very tricky line to tread.

Hopefully now though we are now all re-balanced and the rest of the day can carry on.  I mean, if it's not one thing, it's another and if it's not me, it's my brother!

Chemo

The truth? 

I hate it.  I am sitting here sobbing as I just feel so rubbish.  I am exhausted.  I ache from head to toe.  I seem to have no control over my emotions (some would say that is no change) and I live in constant fear of getting a temperature, signifying an infection meaning hospital or neutropenia (meaning my body is not producing white cells and can be life threatening). 

And I still have to get through the rest of this session and two more.

I want my Mum to come back up from Devon so she can sit on the sofa to keep me company while I sleep/moan/cry. 

And I want someone to discover a full on vaccination against this sodding disease so that NO-ONE has to go through this ever again.

Don't pity me.  I am just really really fed up.

I am sure that I will feel better in a couple of days and post a better blog xx

"Half Way"

So here I am again.  Officially half way through and heading on the downhill slope to the projected end of this chemically enhanced episode!  

I do have to admit that there is a really irritating rebellious part of my mind that is sitting there mumbling "Only half way through?  For goodness sake - have we still got to go through all this again?" 

Needless to say, this mutinous minority is being beaten hard regularly by my optimism but it doesn't seem to stop it chattering to the part of my mind that is jittering away in nervousness at the prospect of a new drug - the effects of which on me are unknown and therefore a little petrifying.  No wonder I have had to ask to speak to the psychologist - if only to unravel the multiple conflicting thoughts in my head.  Oh and to try and sort out the nausea that hits me every time I so much as think about the next dose and/or the Cancer Unit.  These attacks hit at random, without warning and usually involves nausea, hyperventilating, shaking and rapid, hot tears.

This is all a little annoying as it has crept up on me since dose three which had gone so much better.

Although I felt rough and very tired for the week following treatment, I did not have the crash over the week end that I have had both times before. Just got to finish the low immunity week while completing details for Alfred's birthday on Sunday!!   Mum has been here for the week and been her usual brilliant self - I hope she manages to grow a new head soon as I seem to have bitten it off a couple of times which is not good but I don't seem to be in control of my head/temper/emotions to be honest.

I am looking forward to some chilling time next week with my babes in Devon.  It is a fleeting visit, Wednesday to Sunday as it has to fit in between an appointment with the oncologist and my next dose of chemo.  I miss both of them so much when I am rough and they are so good and kind and gentle when I am having my "bad medicine". Alf has perfected crawling onto our bed to give me a cuddle without the mattress moving at all, which is quite clever, and Popps likes to come and stand next to the sofa to give me a small squeeze with her hand.  

At least this time I have been able to say good night to them each night and even read the occasional bedtime story!  

In all of this it has to be remembered that I have had the perfect excuse to lie on the sofa, snoozing and watching the first week of the Olympics undisturbed. 

Just can't help but find those silver linings xx