"Half Way"

So here I am again.  Officially half way through and heading on the downhill slope to the projected end of this chemically enhanced episode!  

I do have to admit that there is a really irritating rebellious part of my mind that is sitting there mumbling "Only half way through?  For goodness sake - have we still got to go through all this again?" 

Needless to say, this mutinous minority is being beaten hard regularly by my optimism but it doesn't seem to stop it chattering to the part of my mind that is jittering away in nervousness at the prospect of a new drug - the effects of which on me are unknown and therefore a little petrifying.  No wonder I have had to ask to speak to the psychologist - if only to unravel the multiple conflicting thoughts in my head.  Oh and to try and sort out the nausea that hits me every time I so much as think about the next dose and/or the Cancer Unit.  These attacks hit at random, without warning and usually involves nausea, hyperventilating, shaking and rapid, hot tears.

This is all a little annoying as it has crept up on me since dose three which had gone so much better.

Although I felt rough and very tired for the week following treatment, I did not have the crash over the week end that I have had both times before. Just got to finish the low immunity week while completing details for Alfred's birthday on Sunday!!   Mum has been here for the week and been her usual brilliant self - I hope she manages to grow a new head soon as I seem to have bitten it off a couple of times which is not good but I don't seem to be in control of my head/temper/emotions to be honest.

I am looking forward to some chilling time next week with my babes in Devon.  It is a fleeting visit, Wednesday to Sunday as it has to fit in between an appointment with the oncologist and my next dose of chemo.  I miss both of them so much when I am rough and they are so good and kind and gentle when I am having my "bad medicine". Alf has perfected crawling onto our bed to give me a cuddle without the mattress moving at all, which is quite clever, and Popps likes to come and stand next to the sofa to give me a small squeeze with her hand.  

At least this time I have been able to say good night to them each night and even read the occasional bedtime story!  

In all of this it has to be remembered that I have had the perfect excuse to lie on the sofa, snoozing and watching the first week of the Olympics undisturbed. 

Just can't help but find those silver linings xx